my partner is at war in gaza and i'm against it

navigating the painful dilemma of having a boyfriend at war while wanting peace with palestinians and security for israelis

disclaimer: i’m sharing my personal experiences as a jewish-australian-israeli woman living in israel. by sharing my story, i am not trying to override or discount the suffering of palestinians in gaza, the west bank, or excuse the ongoing mistreatment of israeli-arabs/palestinian-israelis by the israeli establishment. i acknowledge their suffering and i call for a swift end of the war, the end of this israeli government alongside the end of hamas rule in gaza, and for peace between our two peoples. no hate please - i am a normal person telling my story.

I’ve been offline for the past few months, because I’m struggling. For the past three months, my boyfriend has been in Gaza. As a soldier.

On the eve of one of the most difficult days in the Israeli calendar, Memorial Day, I received the most gut-wrenching news.

Moments after the siren sounded, where all Israelis stand at attention with their heads bowed to remember the tens of thousands of victims of war and terror attacks since the establishment of the state.

As my brother, my boyfriend and I are watching the sombre broadcast of the official Memorial Day ceremony, my boyfriend tells me:

“We got told today that we’re going back to Gaza.”

“No,” I replied. “You’re not going.”

The man is 36 years old. He was a combat soldier in his compulsory military service which he completed after high school. He’s required to serve as a reservist until 40 (though the government is trying to increase this age as they seek to exempt the entire ultra-orthodox population from compulsory military service). He has already been to war with Hamas in Gaza… twice. His latest stint wrapped up three months earlier in February this year.

My eyes were stinging with angry tears. My heart was pounding and rising into my throat. I wanted to break his face but also hug him at the same time. I was losing it.

“You don’t get it, I have to go. It’s my duty,” he told me.

The purity of his intentions was endearing. If the circumstances were different, I would have thought it was very cute.

However, this is war. And a protracted one at that.

He was one of the first units into Gaza after October 7th, following the gruesome, widespread, deadly attacks unleashed upon regular citizens of Israel by Hamas fighters and their supporters. He was there for three months. It made sense at the time to the public. And to me. There was an immediate threat.

But as time went on, the war dragged on too. Military might proved unforgiving on the Palestinians, and Hamas were resilient. Civilian casualties mounted, Israeli hostages died in captivity, killed accidentally, occasionally freed in intricate, dangerous military operations, or were mercilessly released in humiliating ceremonies by Hamas during two short ceasefire respites.

This enraged the public. Soldiers dying in guerilla skirmishes with dwindling Hamas forces, hostages dying, with no end in sight or plan for the war’s end. For us, the mismanagement of this war is one of the gravest exhibits in the museum of failures committed by this government, the most far-right, racist, discriminatory and extreme government in Israel’s history.

It’s clear by now to the public that this war is critically important to one person only - Benjamin Netanyahu. His top priority is his political survival. His loyalty is to himself, his wife and his political allies - not to Jewish or democratic values, not to the future of Israel, and not least the public.

For these reasons, I didn’t want him to go. I felt like he’s a pawn for this evil government to exact what its most extremist factions want - reoccupation of Gaza. By participating, he would be endangering the lives of the hostages, the lives of Gazans, and not to mention his own, so I thought.

Not that he supports this government. The opposite.

For the last three months, he’s been going to war. He returns each week exhausted from sleepless nights, covered in flea bites, blistered feet, extremely dirty and totally disassociated. He doesn’t want to be there. He also yearns for peace and security.

So, why does he do it?

For him, he’s doing it for the people of Israel. For their safety and in pursuit of a better future. The same people being undermined by the dangerous policies the government is pursuing. Whether that’s right or wrong, who am I to say. But that’s what he truly believes is right.

It has been so difficult for me to understand, and to accept. We’ve fought countless times about it. Our worst fights EVER. Yet it’s been a huge exercise in acceptance for me.

It’s almost over. Two more weeks of this. I hope for all the wives and girlfriends, hostage families, bereaved families, Palestinians in Gaza, the West Bank and the diaspora, that it’s over soon.

The future of our region and our nations need it. There’s no other way forward but side by side. Palestinians and Israelis coexisting in their own homelands. We’re codependent.

I wish for our leaders to wake tf up and get to work. Our futures depend on it.

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Ummmm wow. This is one of the most personal things I’ve ever written, and I have to say it has healed me a bit.

The mainstream media really flattens this narrative, simplifying it and reducing it to one-dimensional stories that often don’t reflect the complexities in Israel.

I hope you gained some insight into the difficulty, nuances and multitudes of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. And I hope that you’ll be praying for peace for us all.